Sunday, January 16, 2011

Ten Ways to You Know if You're an Atheist

  1. You repeat the same valid arguments consistently and get the same result - nothing. So,you've been getting ready to argue with that theist that pushes you around and takes your lunch money while singing "God Bless America". All the finely honed arrows of logic are in your rhetorical quiver. The only thing is: a) the bully's reply to your flawless logic is that one drop of Jesus' blood washes away all reasoning; b) the bully just wants you to bleed in silence.
  2. The feeling that the Religious Right is trying to make things so bad that Jesus has to come back and save them.  Crank up those greenhouse gas emissions! Little Baby Jesus won't let the holy fry with the sinners, right?
  3. You learn to control your body language so that your disdain for religion doesn't show. You learn quickly not to do the dreaded *sigh* or eye roll (you know that is the non-verbal message of contempt, right?). Just the other day I had someone remark how good natured and easy going I am. That's because of the years of training I spent at the Shaolin Temple learning the ancient ways of controlling my involuntary responses.
  4. People call you arrogant. Not to your face, of course. Who wants to anger their better?
  5. You have to explain to people that you like some religious music. Yes, I'm an atheist. Yes, I still like Handel's Messiah. Do you know why? The music doesn't suck. I typically like things that don't suck.
  6. You have to fight the urge to mix it up with Mormons in public. Who hasn't walked outta the pub at noontime full of lovely alcohol only to see Mormons accosting the naive and stupid? That gets my blood up. Luckily for the aforementioned Mormons I am quite a bit slower on my feet when intoxicated. By the time I get to where I was going they have safely boarded the next bus. Someday though...
  7. Getting through election season is similar to gently banging your head against a wall for weeks on end. It's like the drip-drop of water torture. The first few bangs won't hurt too much, but after your candidate keeps blathering about Jesus for weeks on end... well that should be against the Geneva Convention.
  8. The internet is your friend. It's fairly easy to find people who don't believe in leprechauns or Sky Fairies.
  9. When a theist says something crazy that they believe in you are shocked. It's easy to forget how wacky some of these beliefs are. How many times has this happened to you? I was having coffee with a buddy and his new girlfriend when she stated that evolution is a wrong and GOD did the whole thing with a wave of his magic wand. Or the time that I was on the train in Atlanta and a father was telling his young son that evolution is the Devil's work. Or the... OK I'll just stop there.
  10. You know more about religion than the religious. Obvious? Yes. But not unexpected. Reading the Bible, Koran, etc. are great ways at turning people into atheists. 
I hope you laughed because...

this is Purgatory.


  1. Hahahahaha those are "very me" :))

  2. It takes years to hide the body language, YEARS I tell ya, and I still slip sometimes.

  3. You forgot my favourite.

    At family gatherings, to keep the peace you change the topic of conversation to politics.


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