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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My New Super-Cool Religion: I Needs Me a Militia!

I was perusing the internet today and happened upon a lovely article in The Independent titled: Hindu holy man reveals truth of terror attacks blamed on Muslims. It looks like some hardcore Hindus have developed a terror network to attack India's Muslim minority.

Then it hit me.

My new super-cool religion needs a militia. Periodically I'll offer sneak peeks into the religion that is being forged (I like that word!) in the depths of Purgatory. There is but one rule: the Purgatorian faith must be far more awesome than any other! In that spirit I have insisted that the uber-cult include things like: funny hats, an enormous amount of busy-work, and subsidies from the government. A militia is necessary, and not for the reasons you may think. Sure, a militia is there to persecute non-believers, but there are many other reasons.
  1. Impromptu a capella jams. Who doesn't have the fervent desire to just start singing at any moment with no instrumental accompaniment? The members of the militia could bust out a rendition of their favorite songs from the Glee soundtrack in a wide variety of circunstances. For example, Pokerface by Lady Gaga  may be just the right tune while waterboarding a heretic.  
  2. Midnight torch rallies. A great way to spend an evening! Gather all our militia buddies, find some torches and march around a field. Once we're done with the march we'll make smores... or burn books ... or terrorize the countryside...
  3. Swords, badass swords Why join a milia if you can't carry a sword? They won't be those silly blades you see the military use for ceremonial purposes, either. Each member of the militia will carry a two handed 6 foot 3 inches tall flamberge. Can't handle such a large blade? You're not praying hard enough. Purgatory's God (or gods - haven't figured that out yet) hates weak wrists and forearms.
  4. War Games These won't be the garden variety militia war games where the militia fights the United Nations or Obama's stormtroopers - known as the US Army. These war games will reenact great  moments in religious militarism like the Crusades (afterall, we will be carrying those swords). 
  5. Epaulettes are about to make a fashion come back. You know those ornamental shoulder thingies (see below - thanks Wikipedia). Epaulettes will be part of the dress uniform for Purgatory's militia. What says "I'm a success even though I never finished high school," than epaulettes? 




I haven't flushed out all the details about the new faith...

but a militia is necessary -

in Purgatory.

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