Sunday, October 31, 2010

Purgatory News 10/31/10

Here is my first xtranormal comedy bit. Just click on the box below (maybe twice?).

Friday, October 29, 2010

An Atheist's Hell House

It's the time of year for my kids to do all those Halloween activities: pumpkin picking (done), pumpkin carving (accomplished), and of course the buying of costumes (done, but I didn't find claws for my boy's Wolverine costume). On Sunday night the wife will take our children to shakedown our neighbors, friends, and family for candy. I will be home paying off the local ruffians with chocolaty goodness.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tom Tancredo and the Apocalypse in Colorado

I have a tale from the Bizzaro World of politics, but first a bit about how I go about writing a post.

Everyday in the back of mind I think about the funny. From 6:23 this morning up until now this question dogs me "Is this funny?" Going over this week's spelling list with my son Will? Not funny. Reading On Writing - A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King I find is entertaining, but I'm not done with it. What I have read so far reinforces my You Suck theory. The theory is as follows: You suck up until the time that you don't. Simple, eh? If you're in entertainment you understand. Until you "make it" you suck. It can be 9AM and to the world you suck. At 9:05AM your material gets into the right person's hands (publisher, producer, etc.). They like it and the world changes; you no longer suck. See, that was kinda funny, but not really worth a full post. I could talk about the parent teacher conferences I went to tonight, but that wasn't really funny - at least not to my august comedic standards. When I'm starved for material I do what anyone else does. I hit the internet.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

White Men, Please Stop It!

I would like to ask, nay plea, for my fellow DWG's (Dopey White Guys) to stop the insanity! The list of Caucasian male lunatics gets longer and longer. Think about it, Albert Mohler, the pastor who stated that yoga is unchristian; Pat Robertson, the Christian demogogue who claimed the Haitian earthquake was caused  by the sins of the Haittians; and now Midland, Arkansas School Board member Clint McCance. These guys are giving the rest of us a bad name

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Being an Atheist Dick

I was over on Blag Hag's blog earlier today and she wrote a good post concerning the dangers of placing Atheists on a pedestal. It's natural to think that everyone in the group one belongs to does not suck. After all, isn't that why we are not in some other tribe that ranks high on the suck-o-meter?  I've been in those groups, and let me tell you,Virginia, they do suck.

I am now going to stop using that "s" word for a few paragraphs. Even a good, wholesome term can get played out.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Atheism, Jon Langbert, and the Boy Scouts

It's funny. I was just on Godless Girl's blog reading a post about having Christian friends, and it struck a chord with me. I think we, especially in the US and especially during an election year, willingly fall into arbitrary tribes. "I am a Republican," or "I am a Democrat," can become slogans that possess more than just a tinge of fanaticism. Can you be a Republican and still listen to NPR regularly? Is it possible to be a Democrat and still care deeply about the deficit? Sure it is, but you often end up feeling like the odd man (or woman) out when the rest of your tribe looks at you funny for not following the party line. However, any group of people take risks when differing opinions are automatically repressed (the implosion of Martha Coakley's senate campaign in MA is an example).

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Are You Christian Enough to be a Senator?

I found this clip on the New York Times site. It seems that the senate election in Kentucky is getting crazier by the minute. The Democrat, Jack Conway, is implying that the Republican, Rand Paul, of not being Christian enough to be a senator. Here is the ad from Mr. Conway.

OK, the accusation of tying a woman up isn't funny. What does the woman have to say about the incident?
"[They] came over to my house as friends that I knew," she told me. "They immediately said, `We're going to tie you up and go for a ride.'"

She reiterated that they took her to a room filled with pot smoke and told her to partake, but she emphasized that she hadn't been forced. "He did not drug me," she said. "He did not force me physically in any way."

She said they then "took me out to this creek and made me worship Aqua Buddha." And she added that the whole thing was so "weird" that afterwards she ended relations with Paul and his friends.
It sounds like some kind of geeks-gone-wild college stunt. I will say the deadpan seriousness of the announcer when stating the Bible is a hoax made me laugh outloud. I can hear that all day.

OK, I saw the ad again. Let me get this straight, Mr. Paul wants to get rid of faith-based intitiatves and get rid of the tax deduction for Sky Fairyists? Wow, I'm feeling kinda sorry for him. That Conway ad has made me feel like voting for Rand. Maybe I could move down to Kentucky and become a resident really, really fast. After all, he is a libertarian-leaning Republican and I find many of those guys less despicable than the Tea Partiers (who call themselves libertarians, but are no where close to being so). Libertarian types are often in favor of placing gays and straights on equal legal footing concerning marriage. I wonder how Mr. Rand stacks up?

... He [Rand] also opposes marriages between gay and lesbian couples. At the same time, he voices staunch opposition to government intruding in the private lives of citizens.

"It's an honest position," Paul said. "And I think there's a hunger out there for genuineness."
Huh? How can a person be in staunch opposition to government intruding in the lives of private citizens and be in favor of the government telling a certain class of citizens (gays) that they don't have the same rights as the majority? Isn't that using government power to screw people over? People always want genuineness in their politicians, but that isn't really an admiral trait unto itself. Hitler was genuine. He wrote a book about dominating Europe and dangnabit that boy took a shot at it. That's being genuine.

What would I do if I was in Kentucky?

My vote would be for Aqua Buddha.

Here is a highlight clip from the last debate between the two Kentucky titans.

Wow, how crazy was that?

What did you expect...

in Purgatory.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Bullying, the Sweep, and Gay Suicide

My boy Will (8 years old) is about to test for his yellow belt next Monday. As the day approaches he practices a bit more often. This test is different, however, since he is being tested on some grappling techniques. To effectively practice grappling you need a second person to grapple with and I am that person. What he has learned could be considered an anti-bully move - the sweep.

Will got himself on the ground facing upwards. I straddled his torso and held his shoulders down. This is the first part of the classic big kid/bully move that is commonly employed. Stage two involves the top guy (bully) beating the smack out of the poor kid on the bottom. While I had my hands on his shoulders Will was able to roll me over (with my assistance) onto my back and get into the dominant position. It was pretty cool. No, the martial arts school doesn't teach 8 year olds to pummel the guy on the bottom. This is a good thing. We practiced the sweep a few more times before dinner.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

What Christine O'Donnell Thinks is in the Bible

A quick list from Purgatory.
  1. The Constitution It's right in the Book of Lenny (just before Carl).
  2. Jesus wanted a flat tax.
  3. Sarah Palin She is so awesome she has to be in there somewhere.
  4. Barrack Hussein Obama He's one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse:  Death, Famine, Barrack, and Pelosi. 
  5. Ronald Reagan Ronnie was that guy who did that thing... right?
  6. The Eight Commandments God said 'em and Christine believes'em.
  7. Gay Jews from the Democratic Party killed Jesus.
  8. When the Bible states  "Suffer not a witch to live." (Exodus 22:18) God was only kidding around.
  9. Noah was the first winner of Survivor.
  10. Thinking of having sex will send you to HELL! Oh wait, it really does say that? What kind of lunatic would believe that?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Skepticism and the Middle Class

Many years ago my wife and I were sitting with a mortgage broker (believe it or not this has something to do with godlessness). I had just turned thirty and the "I gotta buy a house" gene was switched on. It's not like I don't know that the previous statement sounds... crazy, but it is true. I woke up one day and realized that I was turning 30; had a mini-existential crisis and BAM! buying a place to live seemed like a good idea. As Karl Marx said, "Class determines consciousness," (don't agree a whole lot with Karl (though I'm with him on the anti-Sky Fairy stuff)), and having been brought up in a blue collar family I carry some middle class baggage (as well as its benefits). Regardless, the mortgage broker wrote down a number. This number was the amount that we could theoretically afford to borrow.
I stared at it. Most people wouldn't have considered it a big number. I did.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I've Decided to Join a Cult

You read that incorrectly. I am going to join a cult.

Just this evening I was walking into Target and through a red haze I saw them - Mormons. They were both tall, white, and immaculately dressed. I assume they were Mormons. What pair of guys in their early twenties would be in full suits and have name tags on at 8PM? They were happy too, smiling with their unnaturally white teeth.

Then it struck me.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Belgian Archbishop Talks Smack

I am not a fan of Sky Fairyism, and that does not come as a surprise to many of you. Today I felt sorry for the Catholic Church in Belgium when I found the story, AIDS Is a Kind of 'Justice' for Promiscuous Sex, Belgian Catholic Leader Claims on Politics Daily (click here for full article).

You have many questions I'm sure.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Findings from T.I.T. (Theistic Institute of Technology)

Here are some interesting findings that recently came out of the Theistic Institute of Technology (TIT).

Praying does not work any better when you scrunch your face up.  A double blind, peer reviewed study found that prayers are more likely to be answered if the faithful shift their eyes from left to right at 3 second intervals. An unexpected finding from the study shows that God is 3 times less likely to respond if you are wearing the color yellow. Churches, synagogues, and mosques have immediately banned the color.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Obituary for Colonel Rebel

Colonel Rebel, the once hallowed mascot for the University of Mississippi, died today in his plantation home in Oxford, Mississippi after a long struggle with the late 20th and early 21st centuries. Colonel Rebel was in his dress uniform of the Confederate States of America and surrounded by friends and family when he passed. On his dying breath the good Colonel quoted Nathaniel Bedford Forrest, another hero of the Southern cause,
No damn man kills me and lives.
Colonel Rebel was known simply as Colonel Reb to all. He sprang to life in the pages of the University of Mississippi's 1938 yearbook. The look for the Colonel was inspired by Jim Ivy, the blind son of a slave, who sold peanuts at the school and was considered its mascot. The only difference in appearance was that Mr Ivy was African-American while the Colonel was as white as virgin snow.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

What does the Christmas/holiday season look like in your household? Along with that, do you do the Santa thing?

This is an anonymous question left on the Ask Me Anything page.

The Christmas/holiday season in our house looks very similar to a "normal" American home. For us the season starts in October - yes October. I was walking Will and Ali (ages 8 and 5) to school this morning and our 15 minute walk was peppered with their ideas for presents. As the days draw closer to the birth of our Lord (ugh) the peppering becomes a drumbeat. All four of us may be godless in this house (or godless in training), but we are bound to the man in red with the snowy white beard.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My New Super-Cool Religion! - Holy Land!

I've been thinking about my new super-cool religion that's in development. Like many other faiths I plan to steal as many ideas as possible and label them my own. The next step will be to persecute the people who had the nerve to think of these ideas before me. Shame on you!

So far I've stolen ideas about incorporating numbers, funny hats, and busy work into the awsomey new faith. What other aspect does this proto-cult need? 

Monday, October 11, 2010

An Atheist on Columbus Day

Happy Columbus Day!

That doesn't sound right does it?

At its best, Columbus Day is a third rate holiday. The day was officially recognized in 1937 by FDR (supposedly the Knights of Columbus placed a lot of pressure on him). The holiday was less about Columbus than a "Italian-Americans are Great Day". The puritanical Protestant establishment in the US gave Catholics and Southern Europeans quite a bit of grief for some time. The acceptance of Columbus Day as a federal holiday was seen as positive public relations move for Italians.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Christocrat Party Platform

I was surfing around the godless blogosphere when I stumbled on an article about Rod Parsley leader of the mega World Harvest Church located in Columbus, Ohio. Mr Parsley is a prolific Goddie, here are some of his memorable quotes (care of

Gay sex is a veritable breeding ground for disease.
People not washing their hands are also breeding grounds for disease. I say we skip the added expense of supplying soap to the general population and start amputating hands. That'll teach them germs!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

What is an example of natural selection and what is an example of intelligent design? What is the difference between the two?

This is an anonymous question from the Ask Me Anything page.

I'm not that bright. That is not a surprise for many of you. Sure, I crack a few jokes here and there, make a few obvious observations, and entertain myself (and hopefully you too). When I started the Ask Me Anything page I thought the questions would be like, "Andy, tell us how can one person be so awesome?" Needless to say that question hasn't been sent to my inbox. Instead I have had questions on morality, clarifying what Atheism is to theists, and now this. This question would fall into the science category and it's a shame that every high school student doesn't know the answer to this question (I'm in the US so evolution is a controversial topic in many areas). Being not that bright I will fall back on two sources: Richard Dawkins, boy genius (he was a boy at some point in his life and odds are he wasn't a dolt), uber-professor at Oxford University and Raithie from the blog Teenage Atheist.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Subversive Soup is After Your Soul!

I was going about my daily activities when my screenwriting buddy called. His lead in story? It wasn't about the script circulating in LA. No. He informed me that the Islamo-Fascists are after one of the most hallowed treasures of the Republic. They are desecrating our soup. The Canadian (we shoulda took them over when we had the chance in 1812) wing of Campbell's soup is about to churn out Halal certified soups and broths (click here for the Salon article). Halal is the Islamic/Sky Fairyist version of Kosher.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Freedom of Speech is AWESOME! or Yoga is of the Devil

Why do I think freedom of speech is awesome?

Is it because I can say practically anything I want without the government putting the hurt on me?

Not in this case.

Is it because free speech helps to keep our mostly free society mostly free?

Getting warmer.

The Trouble with the Golden Rule

I'm moving my personal library around today. The old bookcases have served us well. They were found during the annual purging of student apartments many, many years ago (I was in my twenties). If you're in Boston (or any other city with a student ghetto) you are quite aware of the tradition. Before moving out for the summer the undergraduates leave all sorts of furniture on the street and the more entrepreneurial amongst us take advantage. ( *Note: I only took bookcases. I'm thrifty, but I never made it a habit to grab any other items off the street.)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Mathew 27:52-53

I was reading through Uzza's Notes blog just now and reacquainted myself with the zombie verses (Uzza's joke, not mine) in Mathew.

The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people. - Mathew 27:52-53
Hmmmmm... there seems to be no statute of limitations to how long a holy person was dead for before the resurrection. This could lead to some really embarrassing situations. Here are a few.
  1. Back taxes. The Roman government doesn't care how long you've been dead. You owe - expect penalties too. The Romans don't buy the "I've been dead for 10 years" excuse. You should've thought of that before leaving the tomb.
  2. You're going to get your punk a** stoned right back to death. Remember, this verse from Deuteronomy?
    Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft,  or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead. Deut 18:10-11
    Me? I'd stone you just to make sure that I wouldn't be accused of hangin' with the dead. Sure, you may be alive now, but the authorities are pretty strict.
  3. Zombie homelessness. Let's say you come from a family of really, really pious folks. That means there could be a bunch of newly raised dead relatives knocking at your door looking for a handout. I say screw'em. If God raised them from the dead, He can pay for their apartment.
  4. Hygiene. Don't show up to my door or the local pub without taking a bath and grabbing new clothes. If you don't do those two things I'll act like I don't know you (Uncle who? No, I don't know any Uncle Milton).
  5. The Resurrected will have attitudes.  I can hear it now, "I'm entitled to the go into the VIP room. Christ sakes I was dead, I'm special!"
  6. A lot of complaining will be going on. Sure, God raised me from the dead, but my teeth are still crooked. Couldn't the Lord of the Greyskull fix my near sightedness when He raised me from the dead?
  7. Newly non-dead people endorsing products. Want to sell some shawls or horse hair whips? Get one of these guys to be your pitchman, "Buy my product and you to may get a second chance!"
  8. This could be the scriptural basis for Halloween. The newly undead "appeared" and people gave them stuff on the condition they never come back (probably due to lack of hygiene, bad attitudes,etc). Of course, they'll be back next year looking for another handout.
  9. Newly resurrected woman are still second class citizens. Sorry, life still sucks for you. Get thee to the kitchen!
  10. The newly undead will get their heads shaved. That funky smell just won't wash out. Sorry.

Monday, October 4, 2010

When someone is smug and arrogant we want them to learn to be more humble. When someone is selfish we want to be less selfish and think of others. When someone is rude we want them to be more polite. In short, we want people to become more Godly. Correct?

This is an anonymous question from the Ask Me Anything page. I have to tell you I really like answering these questions... whether it's from one of the other godless or from a theist. 

Humility, altruism, and courtesy, are indeed characteristics I strive for (I am probably one of the most humble, altruistic, and courteous  a**holes out there) and hope my children will posses those traits too (so far so good). Please humor me for a moment as I get all tangentially. I was talking with one of my wife's friends a while back and she said, "Before having kids I never thought that people have character traits right out of the womb." She was stating what many parents know, at the earliest age children display consistent behaviors/attitudes that is their core personality. My boy Will (8) has always been a mellow and nice kid (this is what a majority of people say). I take no credit for his virtue. If anything I've been a mediocre example in mellow-ocity and sub-par in niceness. It goes without saying that he has never stepped in a church. All that niceness is 100% God-free.

Lunatic's Picture

I found this picture on Pharyngula and it's posted here as an Atheist PSA (Public Service Announcement).  This is David Mabus, otherwise known as DM, whose real name is Dennis Markuze. Anyone who has been in the godless blogosphere has seen his spammy hate filled comments.  I've only been doing  Purgatory for less than a year and I have noticed DM's mental deterioration. At first the man's comments were just crazy/crass, but now they have morphed into threats of violence against Atheists. Most people who have mental illness are not a threat, however, I would consider DM to be a danger to himself and to others.

This picture was taken in Montreal (DM lives there) where he crashed an AAI convention did a rant and then fled. Luckily, his picture was taken.

Just to clarify, this isn't a comedy bit. This guy is potentially dagerous.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I Demand Justice!

Hmmm... do I have a case? I say someone stole my idea of Where is Mohammed? 

You be the judge.

Monster Mosque Revealed!

It's true, the designs for the Islamo-Fascist Death Star have been released to the public! Let's see the pictures!

Ha! Just as I thought, all that geometrical latticework reflecting the traditional Islamo-Fascist (Arab, but remember ANYONE can be an Islamo-Fascist) style must house the death rays. Let's look inside.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Dating and Mating

I was at the park the other day with Ali. She does half day kindergarten so we have some time in the afternoon together before Will comes home. I was pushing her on a swing when a mom, about the same age as me... maybe a bit younger, started chatting while pushing her daughter on the adjacent swing. To tell you the truth having a young, cute child makes people want to talk with you. It's some kind of societal sign that you're not some kind of sociopath (or at least a high functioning one).

Friday, October 1, 2010

Atheism, Parenting, and the Sidereal Year

Will (aka The Boy - 8yrs old), Ali (aka Pitbull - 5 years old), and I were walking to school a few days ago. The kids are able to take the bus, but it's only a 15 minute walk and I want to feel morally superior to my neighbors. Putting Ali on the bus with kids significantly older than her (the bus takes kids up to grade 5) doesn't settle well with me so even on bad weather days I'll drop her off.

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