Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Mathew 27:52-53

I was reading through Uzza's Notes blog just now and reacquainted myself with the zombie verses (Uzza's joke, not mine) in Mathew.

The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people. - Mathew 27:52-53
Hmmmmm... there seems to be no statute of limitations to how long a holy person was dead for before the resurrection. This could lead to some really embarrassing situations. Here are a few.
  1. Back taxes. The Roman government doesn't care how long you've been dead. You owe - expect penalties too. The Romans don't buy the "I've been dead for 10 years" excuse. You should've thought of that before leaving the tomb.
  2. You're going to get your punk a** stoned right back to death. Remember, this verse from Deuteronomy?
    Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft,  or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead. Deut 18:10-11
    Me? I'd stone you just to make sure that I wouldn't be accused of hangin' with the dead. Sure, you may be alive now, but the authorities are pretty strict.
  3. Zombie homelessness. Let's say you come from a family of really, really pious folks. That means there could be a bunch of newly raised dead relatives knocking at your door looking for a handout. I say screw'em. If God raised them from the dead, He can pay for their apartment.
  4. Hygiene. Don't show up to my door or the local pub without taking a bath and grabbing new clothes. If you don't do those two things I'll act like I don't know you (Uncle who? No, I don't know any Uncle Milton).
  5. The Resurrected will have attitudes.  I can hear it now, "I'm entitled to the go into the VIP room. Christ sakes I was dead, I'm special!"
  6. A lot of complaining will be going on. Sure, God raised me from the dead, but my teeth are still crooked. Couldn't the Lord of the Greyskull fix my near sightedness when He raised me from the dead?
  7. Newly non-dead people endorsing products. Want to sell some shawls or horse hair whips? Get one of these guys to be your pitchman, "Buy my product and you to may get a second chance!"
  8. This could be the scriptural basis for Halloween. The newly undead "appeared" and people gave them stuff on the condition they never come back (probably due to lack of hygiene, bad attitudes,etc). Of course, they'll be back next year looking for another handout.
  9. Newly resurrected woman are still second class citizens. Sorry, life still sucks for you. Get thee to the kitchen!
  10. The newly undead will get their heads shaved. That funky smell just won't wash out. Sorry.

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