Thursday, September 23, 2010

30 Days of Blasphemy - Day 23 - My Letter to God

Dear God,

I hope you accept the name God for your transcendent diviness. Many down here go about throwing that God name around and just assume we're talking about the same entity. You have Mormons talking about a God who lives on another planet who's making celestial babies with his numerous wives. There's the Catholic God who wants his priests celibate (I'm sure you know best). The Jewish God with the hangup on shellfish and the Islamic, maybe he's the pagan Moon god maybe he's not, Allah. This should cover any and all of you.

Any well running organization should have a suggestion box of some kind. This is not to be confused with a grievance policy because everyone (at least the not going to Hell crowd) knows you are perfect in every way and even if you weren't we'd all be afraid to point this out. After all, it's more important to get into Heaven than point out non-faith based facts. That being said, here are my suggestions.
  1. The Earth would look way better with two suns. How awesome would it be if we were in a binary star system? I have a mild seasonal affective disorder so I say double up on the sun(s)light! Those double sunsets on Tatooine sold me on the idea.
  2. Women should like sex. I've heard rumors that women do like sex. I regard these stories as urban legends.
  3. Rush should be admitted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Those who have blasphemed against the Canadian Trinity should be punished.
  4. The more beer I drink the more attractive I should be. There is a positive correlation between the amount I drink and the more smack I talk (hey, I'll play Let Me Tell You What your Problem Is game). If I were more attractive while drinking people may not shun me as much - maybe.
  5. Chanting "Rain, rain go away come again another day" should work. I had to put that one in for my kids. 
  6. Ultimate Fighter should be on from 9 - 10 PM. I'm sorry, but the current time of 10-11PM really makes me cranky on Thrusdays. I need my sleep.
  7. Rocky road ice-cream should be more available. It is the divine flavor with the chocolate ice-cream base, the marshmallows, and nuts. It is a SIN that more ice-cream eateries do not carry this flavor. Please fix this ASAP.
  8. I would like to own one of the Baltic countries. See, they're sooo obscure you have forgotten about them. I'm pretty sure the Russians haven't. Anyway, I'll take either Estonia, Latvia, or if I have to Lithuania. In exchange I will install a theocracy to whichever monotheistic faith that strikes your fancy (with me as the Grand Imperial Poobah of course). 
  9. Please get rid of February.  February stinks. I hate that month so very, very much (click here for my reasons why).
  10. Please eradicate the island country of the Maldives. I am aware that these guys may be one of your favorites because of all the religious persecution they reign down on their citizens. Just look at that Atheist/apostate Ismail Mohamed Didi. Praise Allah that he was bullied into taking his own life before the apostasy spread to other Muslims. My issue with the Maldives are that they are all a bunch of crybabies. Whenever you hear about them in the news it's "Boo-hoo, our islands are sinking due to global warming."  Obviously it's God's will, buck up.
That's my list. I don't need all of it at once.

I can be patient, X-mas is coming.

Sincerely yours,


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