Friday, July 23, 2010

Top Ten Ways to Initiate the Second Coming!

Christ had said he'd be back. He seems a little shy, so here are my top ten ways of coaxing him back to Earth!

10. Tell Jesus that the Holy Spirit has been here for a loooong time and has been talking smack about him.

9. Sarah Palin is here - even Jesus would have to see her to believe her.

8. Mad Men is premiering July 25th and I'm throwing a kick ass kickoff party! Jesus, you are invited.

7. Jesus would be super popular - to the point it's kinda of culty.

6. We'd get everyone in the world to bake cookies just for Jesus. Who could resist that?

5. I'd let him do a guest post on Laughing In Purgatory.

4. Monkeys - there I said it. We have monkeys and Heaven doesn't.

3. We get all the horoscopes in the world to print Christ is coming TODAY! I don't think Jesus would want to discredit the elaborate science of Horoscopology.

2. In reference to #6 - We would synchronize the world's cookies to exit the ovens at the same time. There would be cookies and they'd be warm. Mmmmmmm
1. Jesus would get his own reality show on basic cable.  We could call it something like: Ice Road Truck'n Jesus, Hoarders for Christ, or Cheaters - Jesus Knows The Nasty Sh*t You've Been Up To.
It would be perfection...
In  Purgatory.


  1. #6 Is Jesús allergic to nuts? Rapture time!

  2. If he IS allergic to nuts, he could drop dead again, and then everyone would have to wait a few thousand MORE years for him to show up again....

  3. I almost spit water on my monitor because of reason 1. I would totally watch every single one of those shows.

  4. Heaven doesn't have monkeys? OK, now I'm seriously not interested.

  5. Tell him that Catholics have been taking his mother's name in vain for centuries. Any man can tolerate blasphemy against his Father (especially if he had you crucified), but blasphemy against the Mother? *That* should take precedence over the Holy Spirit!

  6. As a friend pointed out, Christians should get rid of all the crosses. How insensitive; that has to be a sore spot for Jesus.

  7. Yeh Dave, it would make him err..cross. It is a bit of a wonder how the religiously deluded worship a stick with a dead (plastic)body on it. The ones I've seen usually have blood and other tasteful embelishments, including some nice headware added for effect. As for getting the lawd back to planet earth, Pizza. That always gets a crowd, and any deity worth its salt loves a crowd. Music too, one of those African American church choirs would do the trick. Of course, in keeping with tradition, the promoters could set up turnstiles and make a significant "donation" a must do for entry. See, eveyone's a winner!


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