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Friday, July 30, 2010

Purgatory University's (P.U.'s) Mission Statement

What? You aren't aware that I'm taking a page from Glenn Beck's playbook and starting my own online university? Click here and read the original post.

Let's not waste any more time and get right to the Mission Statement for PU!

We at PU have a serious seriousness about our role as -what do we do here? Just fill in the blank with whatever answer you like, as long as it gets you to pay our exorbitant fee. We just know that we're here to help you accomplish your goals as long as our faculty (me) don't end up with criminal charges. Any praise may be heaped generously on us while any whining or disappointment (What? That course in Masturbation 303 wasn't what you was expecting?) shouldn't be forwarded to anyone. If you don't like the material then you obviously don't understand it - or you're just a baby.

To achieve this mission we plan to:
  1. Constantly irritate the f*ck out of you by referring to me as we. It is not my choice, the online university standards are quite clear on this.
  2. As a university we will be offering a variety of PhD programs: Suffering Theistic Goddledegook, Anti-Assholology, and Zoroastrian Metaphysics.  
  3. Are you an Atheist surrounded by Goddies? Congratulations, you may be able to test out of some of our classes.
  4. We offer the best experts in Purgatory that your free tuition and fees will pay for.
  5. Of course, cheap jokes, obviously obvious observations, and snarkiness, will be our the meat and potatoes. Desert will be anything we damn want... and lots of it too.
  6. Just like a brick and mortar university PU will make its students jump through arbitrary academic hoops. It goes without saying that sycophantic students will be rewarded greatly.
  7. Don't worry, when you get your degree you will find immediate employment at a salary that is commensurate with many (not all) workers in developing countries. 
We in Purgatory reserve the right to alter, revise, revoke, and/or nullify any of the Mission Statement at anytime without anyone knowing about it.

Welcome all you bottom feeders (students) to academia!


What did you expect...

in Purgatory?

4 comments:

  1. Terribly Confused Student!?July 30, 2010 at 7:38 PM

    My understanding is that all people (as in really, all people who are people) are currently enrolled in the University by default!? I was told that if we don't withdraw by the deadline we will be obliged to provided immediate payment tuition, fees, academic services, library costs, staff overage, lecture fee, and anticipated additional expenses or we will be charged double plus interest compounded daily!? I was told that in order to withdraw we have to submit an application, resume, two letters of recommendation, histological profile, hair sample, affidavits provided by two or more psychologists confirming intention to withdraw from the program, ice samples, and fire samples!? I have decided to remain in the program but only to incur the debt!? I believe this is best for me!? I think that non-participation in all academic activities will provide the best educational experience for me and assure me of getting my money's worth!? Please let me know what I can expect to learn thru non-participation!?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Will there be a Parent's Weekend??

    ReplyDelete
  3. What about keg parties? Ah, the memories....

    ReplyDelete

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