Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My New Super-Cool Religion: Get Busy!

I had a breakthrough today. While walking around the Charles River I realized something else my new super-cool religion needs - it needs to keep people busy. Think about it. Say I have a really great deity (or deities, I really haven't decided yet), some really funny hats, and numbers coming outta my ass but there is nothing for the faithful millions to do? Those millions are going to go back to their internet porn if they are not constantly reminded that they are part of the bestest religious quackery around. Let's see how other religions get their goddies up and moving.

Islam - Jumping Jesus these guys have it down cold! One of the 5 Pillars of Islam is the salah - ritually praying 5 times a day. In Saudi Arabia they have prayer police to make sure your ass gets to the mosque and perform your godly busy work. Let us not forget that Muslims also have Ramadan, an entire month dedicated to fasting during the daylight hours. You can't forget the Sky Fairy when your tummy is rumbling and you're still praying 5 times a day. That's love - divine love.
Judaism - Jews have a whole lot of prayers available for many, many occasions (click here for a partial list). They have a waking up prayer (woo-hoo! I'm not dead!), a washing hands before a meal prayer, a prayer for eating fruit, one for eating non-fruit produce, a prayer for avoiding dangers like childbirth or other illnesses. I forgot the most important prayer of all! The prayer for the ritualistic bath after a woman has menstruated. A woman is spiritually unclean after menstruation (d'uh) and the prayer washes the nasty away, along with the water of course.
Christianity- Catholics have Confession and Mass with all the kneeling and eating of the flesh and drinking of the blood of Christ - how does that not keep people up at night thinking about their faith?  Fundamentalists? They have a cottage industry of people they dislike: Gays, non-fundamentalists, and those nasty Secularists undermining the God ordained government of the U.S of A.. Mormons (I've decided to cut them a break and include them with Christians) are also super busy! Many of the young men go out on two year missions to convert the heathen. The older ones are busy baptizing dead folk (no, I'm not making it up) and working really hard to become gods.

I don't know how I'm going to keep followers of my new super-cool religion busy, but there's one thing for sure.

Hands will not be idle.

After all...

this is Purgatory.


  1. Go pergatory. Isn't that where naughty cats & dogs go after expiring? Pets can keep you busy too. Got to walk the dog, clean the kitty litter, keep them fed and loved. The good thing about pets is that they ACTUALLY exist and it can be proven. So you get the joy of companionship and devotion and you get a response.

  2. I would like to see a rule that says members must spend at least one hour each morning and one hour each evening fowarding 'funny' emails, reading amusing websites and commenting on blogs.

    We could build the worlds biggest printing press to print members stories and distribute them to people who don't want them too.

  3. Thanks for making me laugh, Andy. Good way to start the day.

  4. Can the busy work involve beer?

  5. How about chocolate?

    Or how about this: instead of kneeling and praying, we have to throw our arms up and shout, Ta-da!


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