Monday, June 14, 2010

Christians Of The Southeastern States Unite!


To all Evangelical Christians living in the Southeastern (Old Confederacy) States of the USA,

I have been noticing a trend for some time. You people get the sh*t end of the stick a lot. The latest in a run of disasters is the oil geyser that is spreading it's petroleum based love all over your shores, into your ecosystems, and eventually into your (and everyone elses') bodies. Let's take a quick look at some of the other ways y'all (if you excuse my use of  your colloquialism) have suffered.

  • The Stroke Belt Not only are you home of the Bible Belt but also of the Stroke Belt. It seems fairly obvious to say that the Stroke Belt does not refer to a pandemic of masturbation, but of an increased likely hood of getting a stroke. Here is a map of the Stroke Belt. (click here for link).

  • Hurricanes I bet Texans were breathing a sigh of relief since they aren't considered part of the Stroke Belt. You do share a problem with your fellow states with God's ire as manifested in hurricanes. Remember Hurricane Ike? It looked like this (click here for link)


I'm not going to continue. I think I made my point.

I have a solution to your problems: Unionize!

No, getting a Union at your local Walmart won't help with the hurricanes or underwater oil geysers (though it may help your overall quality of life). What I'm saying is that you need a GOD UNION. Yep, a Brotherhood/Sisterhood of Southeastern States (B.S.S.S. for short - yes that's a lot of Ss but I think a subtle point is being made). God needs to answer your cries for help! Pronto! He needs to miracalize the process of metabolizing deep fried Twinkies. That way you will all be able to eat the same fat laden diet and not worry about clogging up the arteries. YAHWEH needs to plant a big 'ole divine finger into that geyser in the Gulf. And the hurricanes? Can't he send some over to that heathen country Iran?

What if God doesn't respond to your reasonable requests?

STRIKE!

Form picket lines around the churches and don't let any scabs in!  Believe me, he'll crack. He has this need to be worshipped. I think if you shop around for another divinity (I hear the Lucky Charms Leprechaun is looking for worshippers) YAHWEH will buckle under.

What's he going to do?

Punish you?

Just some helpful advice...

from Purgatory.

3 comments:

  1. the pandemic of masturbation caused the pandemic of strokes, no doubt.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Reminds me of this rant (NSFW), the first in the list here:

    http://www.annotatedrant.com/

    It's a few years old but still packs a punch. (I wanted to e-mail the author and tell him, "C'mon. Tell us how you _really_ feel!" but I never go around to it. ;)

    Lurker111

    ReplyDelete
  3. It is in the UNITED CHRISTIAN STATES OF AMERICA
    Their minds have been poisoned by Religion

    ReplyDelete

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