Monday, May 24, 2010

My New Super-Cool Religion!

What's the difference between personal psychosis and a religion? Numbers! Numbers of followers. The dude in the locked ward talking about his personal link to God via the microwave (must be on defrost, otherwise the message gets all garbly) would be a High Priest or Super Imam if he could only get enough people to agree with him. We would have a microwave based faith and no one would tell the guy that used to be in the locked ward he's nuts because that would be anti-religious.

I want a piece of that action! Sign me up for all the juicy religousy infallibility, authority, and obedient believers I can handle. Beware, I can handle a lot! To this end I am crafting my own faith. It's going to be super, super good because I am learning from the mistakes of other cults...

Catholics: Having a bunch of pedophiles running the show is a poor idea. Who runs their HR?

Baptists: I'm going to get rid of the Hellfire stuff. It's buzz kill. There will be divine punishment, but it will be more of the moderately irritating kind... maybe having to listen to Myley Cyrus sing for a looooong time (It's Party in the USA comes to mind).

Islam: I like the scapegoat angle. Whenever somebody in my super cool faith has a problem I need a group to blame. Obviously, the Jews are sooo yesterday's scapegoat. I need a scapegoat not just for today but for tomorrow too. I have picked the Andorans. No, not the Star Trek Andorrans but people from the harmless country nestled between Spain and France. More on this later (in the manifesto/religious tome).

Mormons: I hear that you can become a god if you play by the rules under Mormonism. I have to top that! Not only can you become a god under my faith but I'll give you your own Marvel comic book series along with a blockbuster summer movie franchise (it may or may not have Robert Downey Jr. in it).

Buddhism: No idols. I don't need statues that make me look fat (-ter).

This is only the beginning!
I only have to flesh out some minor details.

In case you have forgotten...

this is Purgatory.

Other posts that you may like:
A Devlopmental Leap Forward For Will
A Patriot's Duty: Decatholicization
God Is Evil Santa!

3 comments:

  1. If firearms and mescaline are in any way involved, I would like to apply for the choir director's position. Oh, by the way...is that a missionary position?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I want to rouse up hatred for Ruritanians, and Guastarkans. They are the enemy!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Can part of the religion be to get ridiculously drunk at least one night a week? I would totally follow that.

    ReplyDelete

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