Thursday, May 13, 2010
Longevity - Purgatory Style!
I was at my kid's (Ali's) swim lesson and was cruising the news sites on my BlackBerry when I surfed onto Fox News. I saw a woefully short article on a pill that is supposed to help you live past 100 (as warned here is the link).
I have my own plan, thank you. No, it doesn't involve diet or exercise (I do that so I don't look shleppy). My plan is centered on the old nugget, Only the good die young. Well, my plan is actually on the flip side of that saying, The evil outlive the good and the stupid. You haven't heard of that? See! You can learn something by reading this blog.
Being evil is a big picture Grand Strategy for living to 100. I have broken down the plan by decade to ensure maximum evilness. Notice how I start slow to build up my momentum.
I plan to take up knife/axe throwing. Doesn't sound so evil, does it? When I throw these implements of destruction in my suburban backyard at all hours of the day/night, the target will be pictures of people who are better looking, smarter, or better off than me. That'll fix'em.
I plan to stare at people without blinking when they say stupid things to me. I understand that I will need to train ruthlessly to keep my eyelids from involuntarily dropping. Fine, I have the time. I have to be ready because I'm pretty sure that many people will say many stupid things to me.
I plan to make stuff up about my past. This will prove very entertaining because I get to test people's knowledge of history. When I say something like, "I was in the Great War," people will have to know what war I'm talking about and even if they do know that WWI is considered the Great War they would have to figure out there is no way even an old git like me could've fought in it. Then they will think I'm crazy or fucking with them. If they ask I will resort to my blinkless stare.
I will pick a new religion weekly and pretend I have been a life long practitioner. One week the mosque, the next week I'll be attending the pagan service at the U.U. church, next week who knows? What I do know is that it will be fun, fun, fun.
CRAZY TIME. I'm almost at the goal of 100. Everything is on the table (OK, nothing serial killery, those people have problems), I'm hoping to create made up illnesses that I am afflicted with, poke people with my cane that has a taser housed in it, and the random cursing at inanimate objects for no reason (Damn you toaster! Damn you to Hell!).
Woo-hoo! I made it! Now they can place me in a cryogenic sleep for a century or two and place my brain in a cloned body when I'm de-thawed (yep, got it all figured out).
So screw science with it's wonder pill! I've got a plan!
Other suggested posts for you to read...
An Update On The Republican Master Plan
The Third Decade or Ten Years Of Sh*t