Friday, February 12, 2010

The Egyptian Farmer or I'm Glad I'm Not Guy!

Today I'm glad I'm not an Egyptian Farmer circa the time of Moses...

I'm going to let the Bible speak for itself...

This is what the LORD says: 'About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well. There will be loud wailing throughout Egypt—worse than there has ever been or ever will be again. ”
— Exodus 11:4–6


I am no Biblical scholar, but the facts are pretty clear. Yahweh went on a killing spree.

OK, it's easy to feel bad for all the boy infants, kids, and tweens that got killed (hmmm... the bible did not mention fetuses. Does that mean fetuses don't carry the same value as babies in the eyes of the LORD? I'm sorry... that's another post).

Let's not forget the fathers.

Say I'm a subsistence farmer who toils from sun up to sun down day after day after day. My life expectancy is what? Thirty? Thirty-five? Not only does my life suck under normal circumstances but there have been these crazy cursey things happening too! Frogs are crawling everywhere, the local drinking supply suddenly turned to blood, and then the sun is blotted from the sky for three days (curses 2,1, and 9).

My life really sucks.

I have one bright light in my life: my baby boy.

He's got my nose!

He grabs onto my finger!

He's the reason why I get up in the morning.

And now he's dead.


Because my non-democratically elected leader pissed off God and somehow it's OK that my boy is dead.

There are folks who may say, "Andy it's not important if the story is factually true rather it's the moral to the story."


Babies and children getting wiped out because God wants to make a point? That's the moral one walks away with from this story my friends.

I'm just glad I'm not that guy.


  1. Firstborn slayings got nothin on world-wide genocide. This little story is downright quaint compared to the oft-retold story of Noah and his Ark. As we know, God decreed that all men, women, elderly, toddlers, babies and unborn were evil, as were all their pets, cattle, wild animals and insects of the world and so they all had to be unrepentantly drowned.

    The only good person in the whole world was 600 year old man, so he and his family were spared and tasked with collecting 2 of the millions of species of animal on the earth. Once that was accomplished they set sail with millions of shitting animals (with only one window to dispose of it all) and then they were asked to repopulate the earth amongst immediate family.

    No wonder there's so many delightful childrens' books and merchandise based on this charming tale.

  2. after a century of keeping us waiting, i can't wait to see what's in mark twain's autobiography. here's an excerpt:


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