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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Zombie Self-Help Files Part 1

28 Weeks Later is on TV tonight and...

What? You're not acquainted with one of the best Zombie movies of all times?

I'm not going to ruin it for you.

But there are valuable lessons we can all learn from our undead nemesis...

the Zombie.

Now there has been some confusion between Vampires and Zombies.

Similarities:

Both are undead (there is some variance in particular movies, but traditionally they are both categorized as the undead).

Both Zombies and Vampires mean you (the living) harm.

Lots of harm.

That's where the similarities end.

Some people may want to become a vampire. There are many benefits like: eternal undead-life, the opposite sex is really into you and you always get double coupons at the Shop 'n Carry.

OK, I made up the last one.

No one wants to be a Zombie.

Being a Zombie sucks.

Zombies don't think. Some people may think, "I really don't use that big gob on top of my shoulders anyway."

Wrong.

The next time the hypothetical Zombie-you wants a snack you won't even be able to figure out how to open a bag of chips. Worse still you won't want the chips. It'll be nothing but brains this and brains that.

Also...

Zombies aren't very hygienic.

No use of hand sanitizers.

No moisturizing... and undead skin gets dry really fast.

And

No use of teeth whiteners. Zombie teeth are notoriously ill kept.

Zombies are the perfect self-help metaphor for what you do NOT want to be.

You may say "What's so important about focusing on who I don't want to be? I'm full of positive sunshiny puppy dog rainbows. I just have to focus on my dreams."

Yeah. Right.

Welcome to the world where a lot of shit can go wrong.

In the past we had stories about witches in gingerbread houses and wolves devouring grandmothers.

Today we have Zombies.

I'll do a post every now and again about our undead frenemy and the life lessons they can teach us.

But the first rule is...

Don't be a Zombie.

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