Saturday, December 19, 2009

A Modest Proposal


I put up my Christmas tree the other day. I was basking in its gentle light when my wife asked me about the "War On Christmas" that's been flitting around the zeitgeist. For those of you lucky enough not to know what it is, the War On Christmas is a term certain Christian groups use to talk about the secularization and commercialization of Christmas. They feel that Christ's birth is lost in the shuffle.

I couldn't agree more

Many of you who know me (and read this blog) understand that I am an atheist. What you may not know is that I am just as strong in the "I can't stand the rampant materialism that is killing our country" camp. I have always disliked the larger gas guzzling, uber-greenhouse gas emitting SUVs. McMansions suck. People working jobs they hate to buy shit they don't need (to quote Tyler Durden) is insane. This materialistic fetish has put us and many future generations in a pit of national debt.

So yeah, Christmas irritates me.

I dislike the religious stuff.

I dislike the materialistic stuff.

I think I'm the perfect moderator between the Materialists (what the Christians call Secularists) and the Christians.

My way out of this problem: A quick and efficient divorce.

This (unlike real divorce) is a win-win situation.

Think about it.

For the Materialists:

Guilt free gift-giving! There is really no need to think about your fellow man. I say make this Materialistic Holiday really materialistic. Give only to yourself. Screw the kids. If they really want something have them save their allowance... or sell apples on the street. Everybody likes red, shiny apples.

The Christians have a lot to gain but it's a bit more complicated for them.

First, you gotta move your religious holiday. Most of us know that Jesus really wasn't born on Dec. 25th so it isn't a sin to move your strictly religious holiday. I know this is "your" holiday but I've seen (as have we all) the Holiday-Industrial Complex. They ain't giving up December 25th. Consider this a tactical retreat so that you can win your war...

Which brings me to my second point for the Christians. You get what you want! A strictly religious holiday unadulterated by giving gifts (and all those nasty pagan symbols like the Christmas tree and wreaths). If you are serious about your faith you don't need to give each other gifts for your holiday to work. A better idea would be to only give to charity. Better yet donate your time to a worthy cause.

I think J.C. would approve.

I suggest moving your holiday to February. February sucks. Putting a holiday there would make it suck less (for you guys at least).

However, both groups may doubt my motives.

What do I get out of this deal?

I get what I always aim for: Making my life less miserable.

My theory is that by dividing this irritating, hypocritical holiday in two my agitation on December 25th will be cut in half (and I won't drink as much that day). When the February Christian holiday comes around it should only be half as bothersome as our current Christmas. It will be two easy to digest pieces.

Everybody wins

And yes I did rip off Johnathan Swift when I named this post.

Sue me.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, I'd go for Christmas in February - how about instead of Valentine's Day? Let's get rid of that ritual of torture once and for all, shall we?

    ReplyDelete

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